So, we are we, Robert? We've managed to secure loans, enroll at FAU, start attending classes and get the GI Bill rolling again.
My financial situation is solid for the time being. I'm having some difficulty balancing work and studying and doing homework. There's a metric shit ton of reading for all of these classes. I mean, ALL of them. Four classes. Two of them have six books total. Then one each for two more. Eight books I'm supposed to be reading. At once. Now, I'm a smart dude, but fuck my life. I'm trying to get more time off from work. Admittedly, some of the time is for me to "play" more, but mostly I need time to do other work. I've been good little Robert for a while hiding in the house, saving money and all that, but I've realized that in order for me to enjoy my life, I have to be getting out while I'm doing all of this stuff. That is to say I need a day to fuck off and go to the beach for a few hours between writing essays for class. I don't have that right now and I would like to have it very much. I need a "me" day. I used to like Tuesdays for that. Nobody does anything on a Tuesday. It's a killer day to get things done. Now I have a Chiro-thing that day, and school at night in Davie, so Tuesday is right out. Wednesday has two classes scheduled. Fun. Thursday has no classes, but I always work at night. Friday is a lunch shift. Saturday lately has been doubles. Sunday is almost always a dinner shift. Mondays are work also, with class during the day. See. No me time.
Well, shortly, the sunsets will start coming later and later and I'll have more time to do things during the "day." I find it hard to do complicated school work in the evenings. That's more creative thought time than anything for me. I'm trying to break all of the thought molds I have again so I can adapt to this new situation. The first month in a semester always seems to be about getting traction for me. After that, I'm usually pretty solid with knowing what is due in what class when and making that happen. I'll be better next term.
So, I paid Scott back the $500 he loaned me many moons ago. He didn't want to accept it, but that's a matter of pride for him. That he could loan me money when I needed it (school and bills). I considered it a loan. He considered it a gift. I stuck with him through some fairly awful shit. He felt he owed me one and that I may not ever be able to pay him. Sweet of him, but I like to pay off what I feel I owe. I would have preferred to have doubled it, but I'm not quite that comfy yet. I have a lot of things to make happen.
My first $500 towards my credit card was dropped yesterday. I've been tossing back and forth whether to just cough up the vast majority of it with my loan money. "Be out of debt now." But that's just robbing Peter to pay Paul. My dad used to do that kind of thing. Look where it got him. So I'm going to manage my debt like an adult and take the time to pay it off. It'll be good for me. I need some discipline when it comes to money. I have more of it, and technically, I earned it by asking though the proper channels and it is mine to use as I see fit, and I can ask for more student loans, and be solid again for a while, and out of debt.... one kind of debt. I'd be in bigger student debt than I was in credit card debt. I mean, I already am there actually, but this serves a fairly serious purpose. I'm trying to get this done and graduate. I'm making good money at work these days, too, so between that and the other areas of finance, things are better. Much more manageable. In fact, very shortly I have to get in the shower and go to work all over again today.
So, in reward for getting my shit together in some type of recognizable fashion this month I have purchased new sunglasses. I once had a pair of the most comfortable, good-looking, face fitting, lightweight, Oakley Aviators I'd ever been lucky enough to find. My eyesight is hyper sensitive to brightness. Conversely, I have excellent night-vision. I can see in near-total darkness. Maybe mom ate lots of carrots? Point being, that I lost this excellent pair of shades nearly four years ago at Bonnaroo. My fault. They survived all four days, and I forgot them on the grass when I fell asleep during Dave Matthews. Poop. Anyhow, I've purchased new pair of them, Same model, different colors. Instead of copper titanium with bronze polarized lenses I picked up silver titanium with light grey polarized lenses. A little more understated this time. I still have my other pair, but they are rather worn from excessive use. I live in fucking Florida. The sunshine state. It's painfully bright for me like 300 days a year. Them babies are a little beat up. All things considered, though, good condition, just tired and I want to put them on a shelf for a while. Ergo proctor sunglasses.
Also, I love Amazon Prime. I love it so much that I'm convinced it might be the devil. lolz.
So I go to work now. While I don't look forward to that precisely, I do look forward to the hot shower. My neck still hurts. I'm buying a new mattress this week, too. Memory foam. And one of those orthopedic pillow thingymibobbers.
- Music:Griz - Keep the Dream
1. What did you do in 2013 that you'd never done before?
Open mic stand up comedy
2. Did you keep your New Year's resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
Keeping resolutions is difficult. How about this year I try creating an affirmation. Last year I vowed to get organized, and that's still happening. This year I will keep my GPA at 3.5 or above the whole year, and reward myself with a new tattoo.
3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
Chuck and Helena were joined by Nico this about two months ago.
4. Did anyone close to you die?
Pat Orrell passed away. I guess he'd OD'd and been dead for several days outside his sisters house. How fucked up is that?
5. What countries did you visit?
I visited Costa Rica. It was too many nice.
6. What would you like to have in 2014 that you lacked in 2013?
Savings. FAU Parking Decal.
7. What date from 2013 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
Don't have one.
8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Keeping everything going another year and earning my Associates Degree.
9. What was your biggest failure?
This year my biggest failure was allowing myself to fall right back into the habit of being lazy because I haven't been in school for quite a while.
10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
I've had this godawful ache in my right shoulder for about three months now.
11. What was the best thing you bought?
A new phone; Samsung Galaxy Note II. It's fantastic.
12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
I don't know. Not mine. I just tread water all year.
13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
Everyone featured in the news. Laws allowing government propaganda in the News in the first place. A lack of resolution on the Syrian Civil War. Too much bickering in the US Gov, not enough progress. Too many wannabe chiefs and no indians.
14. Where did most of your money go?
Keeping my heard above water.
15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
Basslights (Pretty Lights and Bassnectar for two days in Miami), Grieves, Minus the Bear.
16. What song(s) will always remind you of 2013?
"Lose Yourself to Dance" - Daft Punk, "Hero's Cape" - Hello Elevator
17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
A) happier or sadder? About the same.
B) thinner or fatter? Even. Still a 31 @ 31. Not bad, Robert. However, my body hurts easily. I think its time to include exercise in my life again. Lite exercise.
C) richer or poorer? Much poorer. It's been a horrid year for income.
18. What do you wish you'd done more of?
Writing. I wrote more this year than most, but I still wish I wrote more. I suppose that I am at least blogging or writing a little editorial, opinion piece, or a journal entry or something almost every day. I haven't written much towards "the book." Lots of ideas and notes and mini-stories in the ol' Moleskine though. Oh, and more Yoga. It's the bamsnackle.
19. What do you wish you'd done less of?
Drinking and smoking. Ouch.
20. How did you be spending Christmas (2013)?
Either driving up to Dad's house to spend the day with Mom, and then driving back, or hanging out with Russ and having a standing rib roast. Maybe both.
21. How did you be spending New Year's 2013?
I honestly don't know. I'm going to get a nice haircut, dress up a bit, and go have a nice, expensive cocktail somewhere. Hopefully with a couple good friends.
22. Did you fall in love in 2013?
Nope. I learned to appreciate what love I've been apart of instead. It's the only comfort I've found in being single and tired. I met a really nice young lady named Amanda. I think about her sometimes. She's very nice and easy to chat with. I need to get my shit together for that to work out, though.
23. How many one-night stands?
I had a friendship in which both parties benefited and it was amusing while it lasted, and we're still good friends. I smirk inside when I see her talking to guys when we hang out. It's just hilarious.
24. What was your favorite TV program?
West Wing, for sure, and Game of Thrones of course. I experienced a revival of old shows like X-Files, too.
25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
Nah. I still don't care for some folks, but I just ignore them mostly.
26. What was the best book you read?
... I read the DC Graphic Novel "Kingdom Come" -- that counts, right?
27. What was your greatest musical discovery?
Slow Bird and RDGLDGRN - Portugal. The Man, also. Thank you Julia.
28. What did you want and get?
I survived the year, which is really all I asked for this year. I wanted to get off to a killer start, and it did, but things went downhill pretty quickly after I failed to enroll at FAU for this past Fall term. I've corrected the problem, but I've been moping, lazy, sore, and overworked for about seven months. I'm very tired.
30. What was your favorite film of this year?
Pacific Rim, The Dark Night Returns (animated with Peter Weller as Bruce Wayne's voice), Hunger Games 2.
31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
I worked and Danielle made me a cake, what a sweetheart, that one. Then I went out with friends from work, got lit and had a great night.
32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
Finding someone to spend time with.
33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2012?
Trying to reclaim some of the 1900's dapper look.
34. What kept you sane?
35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
I don't have a specific one.
36. What political issue stirred you the most?
Edward Snowden's "whistle blowing," the Syrian Civil War, The Murder of Israel Hernandez-Llach by two Miami Police, there were quite a few.
37. Who did you miss?
Brandon, Lauren, Darren, my sister Kate.
38. Who was the best new person you met?
I made a bunch of new friends, Matt, Brandi, Amanda, Corrinna, Jade, Alexa.
39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2013.
Here it is, paraphrased:
Any adversity I face at the moment is likely a result of my own actions and I need to stop blaming the world for my problems. I'm broke and poor at the same time, which blows, but I've been rather irresponsible with my money for a long time. Even when I'm doing well, I'm still massively in debt. I need to find a better job. Oh yeah, and don't talk about your goals, just make them happen. Tell people after, they'll be far more impressed.
Also, important things, like life goals, take a long time. The big shit always does. Be patient and stay busy while you wait for the future to arrive, bringing your dreams along with it.
- Location:Home Office
- Music:Flux Pavillion - The Scientist
I've been putting off for far too long accomplishing today the things that need to be done today. Why do it today when you can put it off until tomorrow? I've been in this rut since my first and second go around at getting into FAU didn't work out. And a further deeper rut due to financial complications. Finding a new job isn't appealing, nor is it wise at this point. I was working for Grand Alliance doing data entry (again) and I was considering switching to that gig full-time. I was beginning to enjoy the budgeted ease of a regular paycheck to count on. I wasn't out of the woods, but a few more months of careful planning and I would have gotten into the meadow of financial solidarity again. They gave me 3 weeks off at the worst possible time. I was attempting to plan my educational schedule around their needs. I could take night classes, right? Well, during the 2 week (which became 3, nearly four weeks without contact), I made other plans. I opened up my schedule to Chili's. (I realize now I was rash and need to restore my Saturday Unavailabilty).
The point is that I had plenty of time to think and plan, and replan, and make a back up plan about scheduling. I concluded after performing my due diligence instead of waiting for an explanation, is that there isn't an sensible way to attend FAU full-time and work from 8am to 5pm. They need a solid, reliable, alert, concerned, dedicated individual for this position. I could not allow myself to commit the dedication they require without losing focus on school. They needed me to be available whenever they call to answer questions, contact people in the middle of the night to change shipping orders and shit like that. I can't live my life that. I need a job that allows me to forget completely about what happens while I'm away, a job that can function just fine without my direct attention. Serving fits that description nicely. Most of the classes I require for the degree I'm seeking (Communications). Also, I've decided that I'm going to attempt a double major, and possibly a double minor. I'll get my BA in Communications, and I figure why not get like four degrees at the same time? It'll be easier to expand later in life to attain multiple degrees in laterally related fields to what I need to know. I'm not sure what I'm doing exactly. I know that I'm going to write, but I also know now that I need a swift kick in the ass to make things happen on the level that I desire. I'm doing that by diving in head first. Palm Beach State was my acclimatization period. I'm ready for this. I have to stop thinking that I can't handle it.
I suppose that I have in certain respects. I've pulled the trigger on resigning my position at Grand Alliance. I wrote a short, well-written, expounding letter of why I've decided not to accept their offer to return to their employ. I left out that my direct supervisor works two feet away, talks way too fucking loud, bitches and moans and micro-manages every thing happening in real time (think angry college football coach lecturing economics). Did I mention he's exactly the kind of money hungry shit-spawn I detest? Yeah, it wasn't really hard a choice. I did take my time because I realize quitting a solid job with decent wages is a bad idea just because you don't like your boss. Everyone warms up to me eventually. I just didn't feel like making the effort here. Also, I need the flexibility. The tough part was committing to Chili's. The recent string of tough months, and broke, non-tipping mother-fuckers has left a sour, acerbic nail in my mouth. Mood stabilizing, smoking cessation pharmacology has become a reliable friend. When I stick to the schedule, I'm calm at work, except under the highest level of annoyance. Season is here. I'm not sure how I'll hold up, but the righteous tips the past two weeks have put a happy smirk on my face, even as I leave at 1am.
Here's where the problem is. I've made a habit of going next door to Ale House and hanging out for a couple beers after work. The problem occurs when I stay after my coworkers arrive. These are good people. I like them. They're nice, decent citizens of the United States. However, the majority of these could people contribute very little to our society at large. We're servers. We hand deliver unhealthy food to fat people who still consider themselves too high class to eat fast food. Okay, that's not the majority of our clientele, but there are enough of them that are a regular pain in the ass. One day I'll spin a yarn about "Salmon Lady." Or a customer I'll call, "Harry," who is a legit stalker of three sisters that work at my store. Also, I'd like to point out that the idea they are called stores makes it perfectly obvious we are in the business of selling food. At the risk of sounding dumb to point out that inconspicuous fact, it should be mentioned that we are intended to upsell food orders. Meaning to encourage people to eat more and more food, order more alcoholic beverages and earn Chili's the highest profit margin. The concept that encouraging to feed people more than they need seems repulsive to me. It could be argued that these folks should stop eating of their own accord and take the rest home in a doggy bag. Self control is the enemy of free capitalism. It is conversely the friend of wise economic growth and expansion in a free market economy. So, I'm torn.
The real damn truth is that I need to accept the role I'm playing, which at the moment is the role of a student, even though I find a certain indignity to still being in school at 31, a server, while demeaning a lot of the time, is not a hard job and I could do better at it for myself and for the location I work for by just doing the fucking job with some energy again. I'm a little burned out, but I don't think it is entirely due to the job. It's more that I've been feeling like shit outside of work and I'm unable to shake it when I walk in. It's stressful and....blah blah blah. I'm getting sick of hearing myself complain in my head.
I'm in a rut. That was the point. I feel, like I'm starting to feel better if that makes any sense. Each day that I keep marching and getting little things accomplished, I grow more able to escape my habitual moping behaviors. I also don't know if I've bee unhappy or bored to death with life because there is nothing going on that excites me. I need stimuli. I don't really have fun on my own. I mean, I do, but I like company. Most everyone is paired up and these days, very unwilling to go out without their partners. And for some reason, are afraid to cut loose in front of their partners, which I find very odd. I don't mean get hammered, I mean enjoy themselves and relax and not think about planning breakfast, outfits, meeting for the next week. It's like their all in impress the girl mode every minute of every day. On the other hand, Russ is going through another divorce, so he's more than willing to go be social on his days off. Problem is, he encourages me to misbehave. And drink. Which is a really dangerous, often unpleasant combination. I've stepped back from day drinking with Russ. I can't hang. And he's drinking because he's unhappy, which I can't compete with. Joining him won't help. And trying to get him to hang out here and take it easy. Go do some guy stuff somewhere. And we instead end up at a bar. Blah. I'm concerned, but I've decided I can't do that an longer either.
Things are in the works. Wheels are turning in every corner of my reality. Sometimes I feel like I can see the future in my head, maybe its just lucid daydreaming. I'm supposed to get off my ass now and do something important. I think it could be that whatever happens will just be important to myself, which would be nice. I need something else in my life that I can be proud of. A milestone of a new phase of my life, and change that I've dedicated my heart to making. I keep telling myself I have to finish school before I go off and save the world. Perfectly logical. I lack a great deal of required knowledge in order to move ahead. I have lots of ideas and no way employ them, or even to work on them, because I don't really know what I'm doing, being that I'm doing this all for the first time. I wish I could ask my parents for advice, or that I could ever have been able to, or that I have anyone I trust to ask what I should be doing.
When I ask myself, the answer is that I'm right where I'm supposed to be and I should stop asking about it and move on. So why don't I feel it? Why don't I believe what I'm telling myself? It's almost like I'm brainwashed into failure and disappointment. How to become unstuck from that rut is a mystery to me. I really don't know how to handle it. One friend suggested looking in the mirror every day and telling myself the same affirmation, that I'm all good, that everything is moving along and that I should be patient. Etc. But I don't believe it. Why would I lie to myself. Or how can I tell myself something that I don't believe to be true. It's like religion to me. I have to have faith in something, in this case it's myself. I don't believe in religion because they can't all be right. It's more likely that religion has been totally confused by institutions of power in order to retain that power. I don't have faith in them. I don't believe that faith is for someone else to teach me how to find. It comes to you, and it leaves you. I need something to give me faith in myself. I need to accomplish something. I need to earn something worth having. I don't really know exactly what I'm saying I guess, it just feel empty and bored. I have moments of energy where I feel like I have great ideas and I can do something with them, but they fleet like a dream in the early morning. I can't hold on to them for very long.
A friend suggest that I may have undiagnosed ADD. That it's hard to focus on things and make a plan. I go on instinct because that's what I know. No prior instruction or teaching about how to get my life in order has led me to an unfocused, groping impasse. I searching for the right way to do things and experience has taught me that inspiration is useless without direction and focus. So why do I seem to lack it? ADD fits the profile and it fits a lot of my behaviors and I could list examples of things that I do regularly that are pretty indicative of of that particular disorder. Like, listless unfocused when I could be productive countered by hours of dedicated attention to something out of the blue, when I have other responsibilities, such as sleeping. That one is the most often neglected. Again, I blame myself. A lot of that is tied to staying with my coworkers for an hour or two at the bar after work. I call it unwinding. I should also call it what it is now. A habit. And a bad one that is leading to other bad ones. Like a crappy diet, and lousy day schedule. If I went to the gym instead of the bar, and came home at 1 or 2 am, showered and went to bed by 3am or so, I could wake up, feeling pretty darn awesome by 9am or 10am. I don't need more than 6 or 7 hours of solid, good sleep to feel rested. On the other hand, I need 9 or ten hours of crappy, hungry, possibly hungover, uncomfortable sleep to feel even moderately able to function out doors. The infantry taught me that one. 8 to 10 hours of work, followed by a good workout, and a hot shower, puts my ass to sleep, hard, and I wake up feeling as good as humanly possible with as much or as little sleep as I happened to have rationed out that day. So that system should be a cakewalk here. Except for the bad habits I've acquired in the past five years. Smoking and drinking and a mediocre diet with no real exercise to speak of to counter act the lifestyle. I partied like it was permanently 1999 while active, but we busted our asses to stay in shape and as healthy as possible so we didn't get mutilated during wartime, which is exactly what we were told would happen. It's a pretty solid motivator. Reliable.
What my motivator here, at home, in the US? I can't really think of one effective enough to compare. Money isn't really important enough to me to get me moving. I'm offered jobs all of the time, quick money here and there, but I don't pursue them because it takes away from me learning how to write. I keep putting it off. Like I'm scared of what comes out, that people will hate my ideas, no one will read the stories I want to tell. They'll miss the points and messages. Or perhaps worse yet, I do succeed, followed by some intense failure. The past makes me scared of the future in the present. That may make a good tattoo, "Be scared not in the present of the future seen by the past." -- Rob Zimmerman.
I shouldn't quote myself. It's pompous.
I guess the point of all this is that at least I'm thinking about the problem. Chad Silverman told me that no good change in my life will ever happen without a great deal of effort. Some people are lucky. Right place, right time, right family, right country. I was, at least, born in the US. That's a great way to start. I wasn't lucky in the other areas, so I have to make my own luck. It's often suggested by successful people that making your own luck is distinctly possible. Keeping your eyes and ears and mind open for opportunities is often how to get ahead, and most of the time, when your head is in the game, and your working towards your goal, things will just pop up along the way that can help strengthen your effort. Sounds like a video game, doesn't it? Who says you don't learn anything from video games. "From Contra, I learned intense effort and practice can get to to a certain point, but if you really want to win, you have to cheat a little (up, down, up, down, b, a, b, a, select, start)." How do I get the "Konami Code" to life dude?
I have no idea what I doing for Thanksgiving. Dad might come down, solo, because Mom wants to go up to Jennifer's place in N. FL. I don't have the gas money, or the time for a 12 hour roundtrip to wherever the Hell it is she lives now. Also, I don't feel like spending the time counting the ways I'd rather be somewhere else as my undisciplined nephew runs around Hulk-Smashing everything in sight. My sister is a poor parent. Tristan's dad is a straight criminally neglecting, drug addicted, ass hole. My sister has great taste. She's always been a complete pain in the ass, ever since she was old enough to walk, she was just wired for stupid choices and bad behavior. I seriously blame my parents, but mostly my Mom for that one. I've let it all go as far as holding on to grudges from childhood, but my sisters got the worst of it. Kate had the advantage of a strong (albiet cold, mean) female role model come into her life at just the right time to give her a second chance and some really good character traits, like self-reliance and planning. She also showed her how to act demanding and entitled, and how to be cruel to my father in order to guilt trip him into submission. Seriously. It's awful. She hasn't had it that rough man. She acts like we were raised in Central Idaho in poverty on some decaying potato farm. Our parents were fucked up, but they had good hearts. They simply didn't grow up before having a family. They also didn't learn to get along first. They just dove in, as people used to do. But the 1980s is when everything in the US really began to change for the worse. Education began to evaporate, the government began obvious implementation of social control, we began to play with the world. That's how I feel. I've been made a mess of.
The point is that I suppose I'll be close to home. Perhaps I'll use this handy Turkey Fryer that Dylan is storing at my house. Never had fried turkey. I'm very obviously getting hungry. Time to go find some food.
I've been tossing around of trying out standup since right around my birthday. I got into this rant at Elmo's in Boynton that night that is apparently still discussed among the staff. It involved me standing on a barstool like a soap box and ranting about the service industry, relationships and weed vs. alcohol. The next day my manager, Tom, who is normally very reserved, came up to me and told me I should fine an open mic night and start practicing standup, because "I have a real gift," as he put it, for humor. I recall a close lady friend telling me once how I can light up a room and hold the spotlight. That's where I'm the most comfy, when I'm on fire, laying out joke after joke, and making everyone laugh. I've always felt that humor is the way to reach everyone.
So tonight I tried out an open mic night, and tried my hand at standup. No boos. No heckling. I got a bunch of laughs, and told a really funny story. Afterwards this guy Mikey came up to me and told me that for not having any prepared material, I rocked it. I'm still jittery. I want more. So, I'm gonna keep writing down jokes. I figure if it makes me laugh aloud in my own house, it'll make people laugh in a bar. So why not? This could be fun.
I met someone at eh bar tonight by the name of Mike. He's a marketing rep for Porsche. Yeah. What a job that must be.
Point is we got to talking and after few minutes he paused, and said, "Wait, you're a server, tell me you do other things." I said of course, I'm a full time student (when I go) between semesters at the moment, making great progress at tackling my massive credit card debt. He asked what I do. I mentioned that I write, and he asked what type of writing I do. To make a long story short, we got to the point where he got all "business-y" on me. It wasn't obtrusive. He was really cool about it, actually. He said, "Rob, here's what you have to do in order to clarify what you're after. First, what is your goal? Second, where are you at the moment in the pursuit of you goal? And last, what plans are you making to get to your goal. Interesting. Most folks in the marketing industry, or even the motivational speaking field would go in the reverse order.
I took it as a personal challenge, and I thought about it for a few minutes while I sipped my beer and gradually ironed my thoughts out. Generally, my ultimate goal is to make a historical impact on the human race. I want to make noise. I want to enact a change that gets our once great nation to lead by example again. We show the world that we do things the bet way possible and the world will follow. People are copycats whether they know it or not. We become like the five people we spend the most time with. The same can be said for nations. Eventually, we'll either wipe each other out, or come to the conclusion that once and for all, our borderline, stupid ass differences don't really matter very much at all when it come to the performance of an individual in their tasks. Wouldn't that be a nice world to live in?
So I thought about this question, and he point out a lot of interesting shit. For example, I admitted that in the last two years (give or take) I've written very little towards the book that seems to matter so much to me. (Its almost become like back noise). He asked how much time I spend thinking about the book and modifying things in my head. I told him that I pretty much think about different versions of the tale and alternate ways to tell the same story, all the fucking time. I think about that, and women, pretty much constantly.
I'm still single. I haven't even been out on a date in more than two years. I'm not even sure that there is such a thing anymore. I'm only thirty-one years old and already I'm a dinosaur that is too out of touch to find someone to spend time with. Meh.
Mike told me that he thinks I do have a good story to tell, and at some point I'm going to sit down and crank a mother-fucker out. I think he's on to something. All the writing I've been doing for Chuck and tuffgnarl.com has been really good for getting my creative, active writing side moving again. That means to say that I can crank my thoughts into relevant, coherent storytelling on the fly. I feel like I've finally found a creative portal that can help me along in keeping me motivated. More writing will ensue. Night.
So I wrote this article about police tactics in modern society. It's focus was the senseless death of an 18 year old kid from Miami named Israel Hernandez-Llaff. It's not right that he's dead. It bothers me to a gut-wrenching extent. We're just monkeys and cattle to these fucking shit-stains and I'm sick of taking it. I grant you that in general, a lot of people are able to live a totally average, normal life in the US without ever coming into contact with this type of societal sickness, but it's growing and I assure you that it won't be long until this shit overruns the whole damn place like flesh-eating necrosis. I can see it in my head. The whole, rotting 1984-come-to-life scenario. It's 50 years away at most. Thankfully there are people like Elon Musk trying to do something for the future with their wealth. I get this feeling that everything he does isn't really about money, but about making history simply because he can. Imagine you had multiple billions of dollar with which to invest in whatever world-fixing idea you desired? Or whatever Star-Trek-level technology you wanted to bring into existence.
I feel like there's something we all need to realize as a species. Science, faith, thought, and understanding are all kind of the same thing. Quantum physics is proving day by day that the universe's definition is truly subjective based on the people that observe it. Ain't that some shit? Basically this works both ways. Not only is it limited to the people that see it, but it is unlimited in the way that we can discover it as we go. We create the science and the math and the physics as we go along. We're making the universe as we evolve... at least that's a really intriguing notion, isn't it? We can make existence become what we want it to be? I think that on some level we've all hoped to make life what we wanted to, but now there is actual science that proves that we can.
Sure there's shit in the way, just think you're way out of it. That's the point. At least I think it is. We make our lives, so we'd better make it the best life we can. As far as I know, we only get one shot, and I for one am tired of waiting for good things to happen.
So, no answer on How Pat Orrell died as yet, which is a bummer all on it's own. It adds to the bummer of having lost a yet another long time friend to God-knows-what; the part about not knowing what happening... just sucks.
Also in the category of "sucks," classes for Fall, which are required for my major are all filled up. At least the 3000 lv courses are all full. There are some 4000 lv courses, but, uh, nah man. I think I'm good on jumping in without testing the depth first. This degree in Communications sounds very enticing to me. I've been on to the concept for a couple years now but I've been batting the idea back and forth about becoming a sociology major.... The good thing is that I can be a Communications Major and Minor in Sociology. I was interesting in Soc. because it's about understand the habits, cultures and behaviors of people. Take the degree far enough and it turns into a PhD. in Futurism. Futurism is concerned with trends and statistics throughout history used to anticipate the outcomes of the future, also known as foresight studies. Those that know me won't require a detailed explanation of why that sounds so freaking good to me; being able to, within a certain degree of accuracy, predict what people will do in a given situation. Wow.
Combine that with a Major in Communications, and perhaps a certificate in Peace Studies, and what you have is a person with a very specific goal in mind. That goal is to get enough people to hear me, in plain, simple to understand and follow, language, explaining very seriously, that things need to change. America has truly lost it's way. Greed is suffocating this country. The love of money is absolutely the most evil notion to ever plague the planet. We want it, we need it, we have to have it, our whole culture is based on the accumulation of wealth until such a time that you can finally relax and use a lifetime of savings to hopefully keep you sustained until such a time that you die peacefully. But that isn't how it is anymore. Maybe there isn't a sinister group of men behind the curtain. Maybe there is no conspiracy in reality. That's totally possible. I have to admit that because unlike this Entity called God, I don't know everything. However, I can smell a rat. And we have a lot of rats in this county. Rat Finks, even. Some of them right here in this very state. My mother used to use the word "fink" to describe her worst imagined type of person. Killers, con-men, rapists, kidnappers. You know, scum.
And I think I have the kind of mind, drive and balls to get such a ball rolling. I'm not sure how yet, but I do feel a very strong pull into the world of politics, though not as a politician. I think my big picture goal is to entertain enough people, to build my own creative empire, to accumulate enough of a sphere of influence to make a stand. I know a few loyal people that I think would back me up.
Okay, I am still happy about my life. That's true. But I did just get some more awful news. My friend Pat Orrell died just a couple days ago. His sister found him dead in the yard, as she put it. I wrote something in a facebook thread about it, trying to chill people out because they were bickering with each other... in the face of the death of a friend. Granted, his sister was the one freaking out, I get that. But it's not a time for violence or anger. It's a time of mourning. Between losing Morgan a few years ago, and Pat now, it's like ... it's like a part of my life died. I spent so very much time with Pat, Morgan and Meg. And Meg, and Hunter. But those were odd times as well. Lots of illicit activity. Needless to say, I loved them as much as I love Shawn and Julia and Zac and Lauren and Scott. Sure, some of them are closer to me than other, but we have, each in our respective ways, shared times. We've shared, great, wonderful, life changing experiences and we are forever tied to one another, however loosely or tightly. And my heart breaks every single time that someone I have shared my life with dies, even if I didn't care for them all that much. Bill, Pat, Morgan, Steve, Sam, Russ, Jason, Alan, Bryan, Danny, Hector, Mike, Edgar, Bill, Tracy, ... it just goes on and on. Not to even bring up family. I have this fear that I will be the only person alive, at the end of the world. Or at the end of my life and that I'm going to die completely alone. I think thats what truly frightens me. Dying doesn't bother me. Not after war. Dying, needlessly without purpose, or old and alone... They bother me. I owe it to Morgan and Pat to actually do something worthwhile with my existence, however short it may turn out to be.
- Music:Jose Gonzalez - Down the Line
I feel pretty good lately. School is lining up nicely. I'm down to the wire on paperwork, of course, but that's just how it is with me. Crunch time is the only real motivator. I'm working to overcome that as well. I've been up at 7am Monday through Friday for a new job, which is an addition to Chili's. I figure the flexibility of Chili's for college classes and the reliability of a steady paycheck will float the bills reasonably well for the near future. I'm going to be working a whole shit-load right around the notional corner. Frankly, I perform better at life when I have more shit to do. I was a productivity juggernaut in the military. Three hours? Laundry, weekly shopping, hot shower, new uniform, repacked bags, sitting on the ramp of the brad drinking chai, waiting for everyone else to show the fuck up. Word. So, I'm trying to enter that mindset again. Whatever happens at work, during the day, is just whatever. It's unimportant, trivial crap, not worth my attention. I have a prize in my eye and I wants it, precious.
I want to knock college off my checklist and get my ass into the world. I'm not sure where I'm not sure where I'm going to live. In this day and age, I've realized that it doesn't matter all that much, so long as you stay connected to what matters to you. I could live in the shadow of the Rocky Mountains on the west side of Colorado. I've seen pictures. Talk about your scenic beauty.
I'm writing more humorous material. Sci-fi is where the heart is. Perhaps a sci-fi comedy will be in the future. Nah, the original idea was always meant to contain levity. Making it a comedy is perhaps a bit much. I do feel a great deal happier lately. Probably because I feel more productive. Duh. I was on fire in May, and then June was very lazy. July has been super busy and I feel awesome. Go figure. It seems the act of getting my shit together feels a lot nicer than just thinking about it. I like a solid plan, however, and I refuse to beat myself up for waiting to strike. I'm tired of missteps. I'm trying not to avoid them but waiting and thinking before making any important choices, sleeping on it (when possible) helps. Again, duh. I suppose at the end of the day it simply feels good to have some things about living life correctly prove true rather than absolutely false.
I'm still single. le sigh.
I wish I had any glimmer of hope of someone being around the corner, or that any of my personal investments into familiar female acquaintances are evolving into something else. I guess you don't know when that's happening until it happens. I'm plenty confident and all, and I've been looking around, and mostly the ones I tend to find attractive and grab my attention are engaged, in long term relationships or moving further from here than three counties. I suppose its just my age. My age group, my peers, are all forming the rest of their lives. So my demographic is diminishing at an alarming rate. I find that I would rather stay home than go out and be a third wheel. Thank science for books and video games. School will be a better place to meet people, or so they say. Thus far, college has been a total joke in that arena. We'll see, won't we. At this point, a person has to be pretty fucking impressive to grab my attention in a classroom environment.
- Location:Home Office
- Music:Lose Yourself to Dance - Daft Punk
So, I'm 31 today. Meh. I think that if I look back to the previous thirty iterations, this day bares a striking resemblance. I feel the same as I do every year. I'm never excited. I can't see my family. My sisters all live hundreds of miles away. My closest friends, save Russ, are literally thousands of miles in every direction. I'm not asking for anything, and I certainly don't expect anything today. I do wish that I didn't have a shift at Chili's tonight, however. Friday Night at Chili's? Ugh. So not worth the money compared to the bullshit that typically occurs on Friday evenings in that place. Plus, we're open until midnight and I'm last cut. Meaning my birthday will be over before I get a chance to do anything fun. It would be great if I were just in a good mood today.
I've tried to just make up my mind to be happy and thrilled, but I'm tired, hungry, lonely, horny, single, oh, and poor. That's fun, too. I just love not even being able to buy myself so much as a new pair of sandals to replace my beat up ones. Talk about your first world problems, right? Woe is me. Blah blah blah. See? Nobody cares, not really. And I know that now. Occasionally people choose to care about your worries and troubles. Mostly that's family and loving partners. My family is near useless when it comes to making me feel better. Actually, I think I just make them feel worse because they want me to be happy and I can't seem to get there and stay there. I keep trying. Every single day is a pain in the ass for me. That's why I try not to bother my friends with this shit. Its none of their concern. To be truthful, I feel like I wouldn't have any friends if I talked about it. It has a great deal to do with why I'm single still. My fucked up head ruined the last good thing I had going for me in the love and concern department.
I think I finally understand the cycle, and I'm working on breaking that also. I have an great deal of difficulty letting people inside my head. Only a couple have really gotten to poke around up there, and sadly, they weren't the ones that should have been allowed access. So in response, I can't let anyone get close to me. It's dumb. I want to believe that next time, when we click, and we can be on that level, we just will be. No effort, no prying me out of my shell. That's all I want. I understand there are challenges and problems and arguments. Cool. Fine. Got it. I just don't want to get in my own way and drop kick nice people out of my life any more because I'm insecure and lacking a sense of identity.
Or maybe absolutely everything that's going on is in my head. All my thoughts and worries and concerns, just imagined. It's all about perception. Somehow I let being lonely take precedence over concentrating on the things that matter. So what matters to me? What's important to me as a person? What is it that will define me as a person? I haven't the slightest freaking idea. I want to save the world. Specifically, I want to rescue our society from the sick, greedy corruption in this country, which should be leading the way in ethical behavior in my opinion. Should I become a politician? Maybe I could start a movement to lobby for the people of the US, instead of relying on our ineffectual election process to churn up something other than a total prick. Maybe. Perhaps. One day. When I get out of my own way. Happy Birthday to me.