While I'm basking in the glow of a rapidly completed assignment, I should also take a moment to address a concern that is still pissing me off. I finished a lengthy assignment in roughly two hours, perhaps three. Normally, I'd give myself a "way to go" and a pat on the back. Maybe I just woke up pissed off today. I now have a $2000 tempurpedic dollar bed and I still wake up feeling shitty. WTF? No drinking. No partying. I'm justing trying to go to bed at reasonable hour and wake up feeling refreshed so I can get shit done. I'm in this mode where I just want to get everything done. I have too much in the way all the fucking time. I have an entire room that is full of stuff that I don't know what to do with. It's not like a hoarding issue, it's just all of the stuff that I do use, but no regularly; power tools, camping shit, and then, random stuff from back in the day that I still need to organize or donate.
But before any of that, I have classes. I have six hours of homework, due immediately, I have a double shift to work before that, and all my bills are suddenly due tomorrow again, because I've been so busy that I don't even notice days any more. It's like one-never-ending workweek with no break. And this is only two months. How burnt out will I be by summertime? By Christmas? By 2016? And somehow in the middle of all this, I'm supposed to remember to eat healthy, exercise so I don't get all fat again, and oh yeah, give up that cancer causing addiction to cigarettes. Fuck!
So, I need to compartmentalize better or something. I feel like I'm drowning myself in undue stress. I mean, I try not to let it affect my mood, but it does. I try to be positive, and instead I come off as sarcastic or acerbic or confrontational. Sometimes, I feel like this is the real "me." An angry little fucker who takes shit from precisely nobody at any time. Other times I feel like the real person I am is better represented by the kind-hearted, jovial, bearded fellow that is genuinely concerned with society and the general well-being of everyone in it. So I skate a fin line between contradictory extremes. One one hand, I'm a shining philanthrope that wants to help and on the other I'm convinced that deep down, most people, with few exceptions, are selfish dick-heads that will shit on your face and dreams if you give them even one millimeter of leeway. Maybe this is a sign of my characteristic resilience and optimism in face of epic magnitudes of stupidity and backwards behavior. Or maybe I'm just a bit of an asshole all the time. Ugh.
The point is that I want to get things done at home. I'm convinced that the key to my success is to get my life organized. I have my shit together mentally. I know what needs to happen in a generally structured time frame. Now I need to get my physical environment to match the way my mind feels. Lean and ready to work. Problem being that there are a million and one distractions at home. Leaking roof. Playful felines. Food. Games. Laundry. Cleaning. Garbage. Litter Box. I could wash the car like I've been meaning to. Maybe it's time to tear down the wallpaper. But Russ wants to hang out. Ben needs me to fly to Costa Rica. I have an exam due. And then I'm beating my head on the desk for several minutes. And all the while, I'm wondering if I should move the desk into my bedroom so that one room is for work and sleep and the other is for recreation and eating. Feng Shui? but will the roof leak onto the new bed if I move it? Oh the roofers are here.
I can't concentrate. At least I'm not buying cigarettes. The e-pen I have is working wonders. The downside is that one of the tanks has taken to leaking all the fluid out at random for no reason. I should just get a simpler tank. God my neck hurts. Massage didn't help. Yoga doesn't help. New bed isn't helping yet. Chiropractor is kinda turning out to be useless. How nice that I prepaid.
Fuck I'm bitchy today. I want a beer.
But at least I managed to ask someone out and had an acceptation. We'll see what happens. I'm not holding my breath. I try to keep from getting enthusiastic about dating. Maybe I'm just not opening up to that kind of thing anymore. I feel nearly sapped of affection and the will to pursue it while at the same time desiring nothing else that to experience a genuine connection with someone that is a healthy, normal fucking human being for a change. The real problem is that I can't spot that when it slaps my in the forehead. I need a vacation.