1. What did you do in 2014 that you'd never done before?
Took myself on, for real. Got over myself.
2. Did you keep your New Year's resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
I didn’t keep the resolution about my GPA. Kind of a shame there. I didn’t bother to make resolutions this year. I have found another way to continually update and meet my goals.
3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
Nikki Stamm and AJ had a Child I believe.
4. Did anyone close to you die?
My cousin, Chris died from brain cancer.
5. What countries did you visit?
I visited Costa Rica again this March for Ben White’s wedding to Brenda.
6. What would you like to have in 2015 that you lacked in 2014?
The title to my car. The deed to my condo. A new tattoo.
7. What date from 2014 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
December 15th. Graduated Masterful Living.
8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Forgiving myself. Getting an $80K Home Loan approval.
9. What was your biggest failure?
I didn’t stand up for what I wanted with a relationship. However that deterioration led to my attending Gratitude Training, so I guess it all worked out exactly as it was supposed to. I’ve noticed a lot of that going on in my life.
10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
That God-awful shoulder problem, it has persisted until now. That’s 15 months or so.
11. What was the best thing you bought?
I’m in love with my pocket watch, but I also am pleased with my new blinds. I love the fixed gear bike I bought as well.
12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
Mine. Jaree’s. Jenna’s. JR’s. Jessica Dolben’s. Lauren’s.
13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
Mary. Nate. Keri.
14. Where did most of your money go?
Heheheh, Gratitude & ML.
15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
John Butler Trio, Nov 6th. Third Weekend December 15th. Still excited about January 22nd, my vacation to visit Brandon and Jill in Colorado. Good times.
16. What song(s) will always remind you of 2014?
Foreigner – “I Want to Know What Love Is.”
17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
A) happier or sadder? Far Happier
B) thinner or fatter? Far Thinner. I’ve hit 145 lbs. Kind of gave up drinking for fun and lost a shit-ton of body fat. I’m thrilled. I’m a size 30 at 32 years old.
C) richer or poorer? Well, richer. I spent a great deal of money this year, mostly on self-improvement. And I’m about to pay off my car, and purchase my condo on Dover Road. I’m thrilled about this. So, as far as investments go, I’m doing awesome.
18. What do you wish you'd done more of?
Le Sigh, writing. I’ve been slacking. Still. I wish I’d had more adventures, but I was otherwise working on myself. This year will be prime for adventure.
19. What do you wish you'd done less of?
20. How did you spend Christmas (2014)?
I spent Christmas at work. I made great money and had a great deal of fun there.
21. How did you spend New Year's 2014?
I also spent New Years at work. Also, had a huge amount of fun there and made a killer amount of money.
22. Did you fall in love in 2014?
Hmmm. Not Exactly. I fell heavily in like with someone, and got kind of wounded. I think I healed some old wounds, and found a sense of peace, we opened a door that had remained closed, and some day, I think we may look down the hallway together.
23. How many one-night stands?
Zero. Fun things occurred, but they were more than a one night stand.
24. What was your favorite TV program?
Archer, Twilight Zone, Agents of SHIELD.
25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
Nope I don’t think I hate anyone.
26. What was the best book you read?
I didn’t do a huge amount of reading, I’m ashamed to admit.
27. What was your greatest musical discovery?
Broken Bells!! Magic Man.
28. What did you want and get?
Peace of mind, confidence, motivation.
30. What was your favorite film of this year?
Interstellar. Amazing Spider-Man.
31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
32, and I don’t honestly remember.
32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
Winning the lottery, or another type of equally amazing financial windfall.
33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2014?
1950’s, Dress Casual.
34. What kept you sane?
Commitment. New thinking. New Friends. New Lifestyle.
35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
36. What political issue stirred you the most?
Marijuana Legalization on the ballot in FL (failed, but a step in the right direction), the whole Ferguson fiasco, All the fucking cops shooting people instead of processing them.
37. Who did you miss?
Kate, my Dad, my Mom (oddly enough), Scott, Brandon and Jill, Nate Maez, Lauren.
38. Who was the best new person you met?
Again, I made a bunch of new friends, man oh man, Jada, Jaree, Kevin, Christine, Jaimie, Sean, Paul, Jessica Dolben, Kierstin, Christian, JR, Jenna, Donna, Danny Milotta, The Pats.
39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2014.
The long and short of it is that I need to trust myself. I am a powerful, creative, charismatic, authentic person. When I follow my commitments to myself and fulfill promises to others, I make my life better. Also, giving and being generous is awesome; it is where the things reside. Have a goal, stick to it. Good stuff happens.
Also, bad things do happen. Frequently. All around, to everyone. The difference between happy people and unhappy people seems to be how they respond. Happy people tend to dwell far less in duration. Forgive yourself for mistakes and learn something from them. It’s really the only way we learn and grow. Change is good, but not always comfortable. Those who adapt to it, also do well.
If I have a goal, it’s a lot easier to just commit and jump in. Get to work rather than sit around complaining about how much work it’s going to be. Also, nothing gets done without effort. Period.
Also, say what you (I) need to say, when it matters, not later. I’m really very happy with myself and my life now, today. That’s a huge change from last year. 2015 is already off to a great start. Let’s see what can be done.
- Location:Home Office
- Mood:Pleased with life
- Music:Magic Man - "Paris"
I've been promoted to manager at Kava Sutra. That's been going on for about three weeks now. I'm told that I'm doing a great job running the place. I'd like to believe that. I still say it'll be some time before I'm able to get this place squared away.
On another note, I've met someone that I really like. Unfortunately, she doesn't seem to feel the same... magnetism. She digs me. She even likes me. She's stated as much plainly, but has also made it clear that she's not looking to date or start anything like that. She has a lot going on with school and I respect that. Still, I feel like I'm getting mixed signals.
This is a nice young lady. I've developed a powerful crush and there is nothing I can do about it because life is stupid that way. I can't seem to meet anyone. I'm trying to remove myself from the situation before I get my feelings hurt (again), as I seem to be so prone to. I think it may be better to just back away now instead of chasing after a bus that will never stop for me.
It's such a shame. We'd make a great couple. Seriously. I'm not the only one that thinks so. Our mutual acquaintences ask why we aren't dating... like it's my fault.
We've been out on a couple dates. I would count two of them as dates. (Dinner was involved). I asked her out to dinner again this week.
Part of me feels like she's been hurt a lot and this may take time. The other side, the cold, logical, wounded side, says that she's just using me for whatever reason women seem to use and discard me. It seems most commonly to be related to emotional support.
I guess I'm just frustrated because I know that if I wait around, there is literally no chance that she'll ever come around. If I try and be charming and bend the situation to my will, it'll explodee in my stupid face, like always. So I can stand around, looking good and being good, and being myself and wait for the no one waiting just around the corner, or I can try and find a unicorn in a world that clearly doesn't believe in magic or love or miracles anymore.
It sucks being a romantic holdover in the new millienium.
I'm becoming a believer in the notion that if you want something to happen, you have to want it and not tell anybody about it. I'm in the process of trying to set something up that I can be really happy about and I feel like if I tell anyone about it, things just won't come together. I'm trying not to be excited, but it's hard not to. Anyhow, just wanted to put down, for a change of pace, that I'm particularly pleased with the way one of my endeavors is proceeding. Let's see what happens.
So, I went and met the professor of the class that I am the most concerned about at the moment. He told me that after my explanation of the circumstances of changing jobs, being new at FAU, at generally just trying to make it happen, he decided to allow me to make the missed assignments, so long as I get them in quickly. We agreed upon 7 days from today.
Also, I found that I have to pick my classes soon. Like, now-ish, actually. I'm a little bit alarmed that it came up on me so fast. The first term is 80% complete. Jeez, that flew by. In addition, Professor Singer recommend that based on my intended career, I talk to my advisor about going after an Interdisciplinary Bachelor's Degree in the Arts. Essentially, it's like a broader spectrum of courses that allow more choices within the field of Communications. He said I could mix it up with a few different types of degrees. However I still need to take a set foreign language courses. Crap. I thought I got lucky on that one. Oh well, Espanol it is.
I'm leaving for Costa Rica tomorrow morning with Russ. Scott will be there in the evening I believe, Steph and Chris are already down there. I'm kinda bummed out that, again, I won't be seeing much of Ben. Oh well. I guess that's an excuse to make another trip sometime in the near future. It should be a fun trip, despite having to find a way to fit homework into the mix. I have one sizable, but not insane, assignment, due Saturday, and two smaller ones due Sunday. I can knock those out in a lazy morning. It's the bigger one I'm a little worried about. It has...facets. I hate facets. What ever happened to simple homework?
Oh yeah, I'm in college. Crap.
So, I'm not gonna get much sleep on this one, folks. It's all fumes, all the way. But fuck it, I'm on vacation as of right this moment. Just gotta get money on the way to airport. Should be good. Tales to come.
I don't know what happened. Perhaps I'm just freaking out over normal school shit, but I feel like I'm gonna bomb at least one of these four classes and there isn't much I can do about it. I just haven't been able to get any traction. I feel like I've got the pedal to the floor and I'm still not getting anywhere. I know life is supposed to be challenging, but why does it always feel so overwhelming to me? Most people don't feel like this. I feel like I'm supposed to be doing something else. I feel like I'm already supposed to have gotten where I want to go. I feel too old to be just figuring things out like some freaking kid. I'm 31 and I still don't know what I want to do. Writers write, right? So where's the writing?
I don't even know if I'm good at it. I haven't even come up with an original story. No one likes anything I write as far as fiction. And this major thing. How the fuck am I supposed to know if I have the right major? Who tells me that? I'm supposed to know what I want to do first? Well that changes with the weather. I've always loved making people laugh. Maybe I should keep trying stand up. Doubt I'll make a living, but at least it's fun. I've always loved to sing, too. Maybe there's something in music... yeah... Ugh, grr, fuck argh.
I just don't want to do anything today.
Very not bad. If I calculate my hourly, I made about $140 total for the night. If it was only me instead of me and chris it'd have been closer to $200. I can only imagine what the Friday and Saturday nights are like. I managed to keep myself busy and have a little fun, too. I think I can get used to this job pretty quickly. The one downside is that the kava tears my stomach up. Much like alcohol. I think I have to try and avoid drinking the shells and stick to the shots of extract. It's nice to get a crowd of people that aren't out drinking, even if the habit of drinking kava could be construed as the same type of vice with a prettier mascot. It's "natural." And it is. It comes from a root. But anything you drink to get fucked up can have the same type of effect, which is essentially just running from problems. The Kratom Tea (which has a similar effect to pain killers or common opiods) attracts the type of people that I like to avoid. Some girl was in there tonight asking for the "blue top" tea, an entry level Kratom. The DEA just stopped allowing this product to be imported. That is total bullshit by the way, for a number of reasons, but mostly because it's just unconstitutional. It's a natural alternative to illegally consuming harmful pharma. However, I don't make the laws. Yet.
Point being there was a young lady, pretty as Hell, too, asking for this shit. She was totally strung out. She looked like Scott used to look when he was coming down and panicked as fuck because he didn't know how to get more. Like, out of options. I immediately felt sorry for her, she started in about her boyfriend breaking up with her (while I'm thinking it's because she's a drug addict) and how her friends didn't come through on blues (of fucking course). So she's drinking this tea that someone told her about. And I have to be honest, I've tried it. It completely numbed the awful pain in my neck and shoulders. Within minutes I felt perfectly relaxed. And surprisingly focused. I wouldn't want to write an essay, but I was easily able to paint and converse at the same time.
Because I was so impressed with the results, I knew it was a bad omen. I see how it's so habit forming. Anything that makes you feel that good is habit forming. People say the withdrawals if you do make a habit of it are fantastically awful. Remarkably similar to coming off oxycontin from the word around town.
It seems to be the nature of life that most substances which fall into this genre of "relaxants" and so forth, tend to be habit forming. The lesson to be learned from all my experiences with all of the substances I've felt the urge to sample, is that everything if abused can be universally harmful to you, your body, your mind, your growth, your family and everyone that comes into contact with you. One substance may be less physically addicting or harmful, but I'm willing to bet that there are auxiliary effects which can't be quantified. The point being, nothing should be abused if at all possible. I'm tired of being around the lifestyle that alcohol has created. I know very, very few people that do not drink. I respect them for it. I would love to be turned off by drinking. But I love the taste of good beer, and wine, and of quality bourbon, rum, vodka, sake. I like a lot of different types. I don't drink much on my own, but if I'm hanging out with heavy, regular drinkers all the time, that's how I tend to behave. So, leaving Chili's was probably a good idea. More than anything, I was spending money I didn't really want to spend after work, also, losing time that could be spent in bed, "blowing off steam after work,"with colleagues. Normal, to be sure, just not a great lifestyle. All it seemed to do was fuel the negativity I experienced at work there. I'm hoping this experience will be a bit different. The Kratom is on limited time. We can sell what we have and it goes bye-bye, probably for good from these shores.
Surprisingly, I have nothing personal to discuss for the record. I'm kinda bored with things, but I'm keeping busy, and I have that vacation coming up to look forward to. I have that new bike to cruise around on, maybe burn some fat at the same time. School seems to be going all right. I'm not where I really want to be, but I was all disorganized at the jump. I'll be better next time.
I have to accomplish my homework prior to tomorrow night, which means that I have to wake up early, eat breakfast and submit at last three, hopefully all four assignments due tomorrow at midnight. There is no guarantee that I'll be home in time to get them submitted by 12, so it has to be be done in the morning. I'd get started now but I'm beat. Work would not slow down today. I didn't get cut from lunch until two of the relief servers for my section arrived. I stopped getting sat, but I still had to run food while watching tables and trying to clean up. On top of that for the same amount of sales last night for dinner, approximately $600 to the store, I made only $72. I'm not entirely sure of the percentage, but it's somewhere about 12%. It was the same last night. While the snowbirds are still here, there is a much greater presence of the locals returning because the poor tips are rampant already. It was good for a few weeks, but I'm glad that I've chosen to bail now instead of waiting until it gets really bad and looking then. That's how I got stuck here for the last year. I intended to get out after the previous season turned out to be a total loss for me. We got our asses kicked and didn't make shit. The veterans at the time complained that they made less than half of what they made in prior years. As a server, I've never really broken more than $650 in a week and that's totally being smoked at the end. It just isn't worth it anymore. Id' rather make less money more often and have less stress on the job than at Chili's. It's too much bullshit. And I have zero tolerance for bullshit.
I get kind of weird vibes about this new place already. Chris, the guy that referred me, warned me that the guy I'll be working with for the first week, whose name is P-dog, by the way, is a weird person of sorts. He's really into this "gratitude training" thing. I've heard of it before, and to be frank, it sounds cult-y, on the level of Scientology. I can't throw money at someone to make me feel better about myself. I especially don't like the idea that they are encouraged to recruit other people as part of their training. It's an incentive to graduation to get newcomers. That seems like a scheme. If you have to contribute money to get the result, you aren't a member, you're a customer. They're selling you something. People that really buy into that put me off. I can't put my finger on why exactly, but it's about for the same reason that literal interpreters of holy books put me off. We live in the 21st century. Fairy tails are for kids and archaic cultures. So is this type of brainwashing. You're better off just meditating and centering yourself on your goals and thinking positively about life for an hour a day. It's cheaper. Add a little Yoga for exercise and you've got a mellow lifestyle that makes you pleasant to be around around because your head is together. Maybe that's too simplistic. I suppose that some people really do desire this kind of cognitive reprogramming as it were. It still sounds far too much like brainwashing.
The reason I mention this is because Chris told me in passing that I should try and respond positively when this guy starts trying to get me into his way of life, and that I may not get a good word to the higher ups if I don't take it seriously. He said to just play along but not to engage with curiosity. I don't like playing games. Why can't we just talk about video games and history and guy shit while we work. Music, that sort of thing. Anyhow, I suppose in the grand scheme of things to come in the next few years, a weirdo sub-boss-minion person to deal with is kinda at the bottom of my concerns. They haven't even made up my permanent schedule, yet. I'm trying to put in a good impression and be done with training, so I have to go in with food in my tummy and coffee in my blood stream. 9AM Monday morning I meet this dude, not to train on the job, but to do handy man shit. Which I'm not to keen on. If he tries to get stupid with me, I'm going to have to set him straight. I'm reasonable person, don't order me about. Ask me nicely and I will excel in my tasks, but don't be a douche. He was a douche on the phone.
My new bicycle should arrive on Thursday. I'm stoked. I just hope that I am at home when it arrives. I hate UPS for this reason. They expect you to wait around all damn day. If you happen to get missed, they come back at another inconvenient time... last time this happened three times and I had to go to the main depot in Deerfield to get my shit. First world problems I suppose.
I got a sweet bike from Pure City Cycles in CA. It's a single gear commuter bike, kinda between the style of a mountain bike and a road bike, but without any gears. Interestingly, it has a reversible hub on the back wheel that allows either free spin mode, so you can coast after you get to a certain speed, or you can leave it as is and use the "fixed-gear" method, which is like having forward, and reverse on your bike, allowing for exceptional control of speed and power. The trade of is that your legs never, ever stop moving, and if you go down hill you control the speed, which is difficult for a novice. I'm gonna try it out on my street for a few days before I decide to commute that way. I think it will be safer to have the coast mode and install both sets of brakes until I get used to a bike again. It's been several years. I even ordered a really nice lock. I think it'll be fun to ride my bike around to and from school. Maybe not in the summer, but hey, I'm down to lose some weight this year, so fuck it. Who cares about getting a little sweaty anyhow? It's Florida, man.
I think I may be tired enough to attempt sleeping. I'm wired from the homework for the other class tonight. My brain wants to play, I want to sleep. My body is beat and I crave the face-pillow comfort of my new bed. Night.
While I'm basking in the glow of a rapidly completed assignment, I should also take a moment to address a concern that is still pissing me off. I finished a lengthy assignment in roughly two hours, perhaps three. Normally, I'd give myself a "way to go" and a pat on the back. Maybe I just woke up pissed off today. I now have a $2000 tempurpedic dollar bed and I still wake up feeling shitty. WTF? No drinking. No partying. I'm justing trying to go to bed at reasonable hour and wake up feeling refreshed so I can get shit done. I'm in this mode where I just want to get everything done. I have too much in the way all the fucking time. I have an entire room that is full of stuff that I don't know what to do with. It's not like a hoarding issue, it's just all of the stuff that I do use, but no regularly; power tools, camping shit, and then, random stuff from back in the day that I still need to organize or donate.
But before any of that, I have classes. I have six hours of homework, due immediately, I have a double shift to work before that, and all my bills are suddenly due tomorrow again, because I've been so busy that I don't even notice days any more. It's like one-never-ending workweek with no break. And this is only two months. How burnt out will I be by summertime? By Christmas? By 2016? And somehow in the middle of all this, I'm supposed to remember to eat healthy, exercise so I don't get all fat again, and oh yeah, give up that cancer causing addiction to cigarettes. Fuck!
So, I need to compartmentalize better or something. I feel like I'm drowning myself in undue stress. I mean, I try not to let it affect my mood, but it does. I try to be positive, and instead I come off as sarcastic or acerbic or confrontational. Sometimes, I feel like this is the real "me." An angry little fucker who takes shit from precisely nobody at any time. Other times I feel like the real person I am is better represented by the kind-hearted, jovial, bearded fellow that is genuinely concerned with society and the general well-being of everyone in it. So I skate a fin line between contradictory extremes. One one hand, I'm a shining philanthrope that wants to help and on the other I'm convinced that deep down, most people, with few exceptions, are selfish dick-heads that will shit on your face and dreams if you give them even one millimeter of leeway. Maybe this is a sign of my characteristic resilience and optimism in face of epic magnitudes of stupidity and backwards behavior. Or maybe I'm just a bit of an asshole all the time. Ugh.
The point is that I want to get things done at home. I'm convinced that the key to my success is to get my life organized. I have my shit together mentally. I know what needs to happen in a generally structured time frame. Now I need to get my physical environment to match the way my mind feels. Lean and ready to work. Problem being that there are a million and one distractions at home. Leaking roof. Playful felines. Food. Games. Laundry. Cleaning. Garbage. Litter Box. I could wash the car like I've been meaning to. Maybe it's time to tear down the wallpaper. But Russ wants to hang out. Ben needs me to fly to Costa Rica. I have an exam due. And then I'm beating my head on the desk for several minutes. And all the while, I'm wondering if I should move the desk into my bedroom so that one room is for work and sleep and the other is for recreation and eating. Feng Shui? but will the roof leak onto the new bed if I move it? Oh the roofers are here.
I can't concentrate. At least I'm not buying cigarettes. The e-pen I have is working wonders. The downside is that one of the tanks has taken to leaking all the fluid out at random for no reason. I should just get a simpler tank. God my neck hurts. Massage didn't help. Yoga doesn't help. New bed isn't helping yet. Chiropractor is kinda turning out to be useless. How nice that I prepaid.
Fuck I'm bitchy today. I want a beer.
But at least I managed to ask someone out and had an acceptation. We'll see what happens. I'm not holding my breath. I try to keep from getting enthusiastic about dating. Maybe I'm just not opening up to that kind of thing anymore. I feel nearly sapped of affection and the will to pursue it while at the same time desiring nothing else that to experience a genuine connection with someone that is a healthy, normal fucking human being for a change. The real problem is that I can't spot that when it slaps my in the forehead. I need a vacation.
I mean, really. It's not like I've won the lottery or anything, but the more I stay busy, the more I notice the things I want to happen, do happen. I've thought about the situation a great deal. From a common sense point of view it would stand to reason that since I'm keeping myself very busy, the time is passing by much easier while I'm paying attention to the tasks at hand. Furthermore, since I'm not exactly paying attention to the rapid time passage, I have no need to be very patient, which is a great relief. My chiropractor (or the one I'm seeing at any rate) offered to sponsor me through a program to become a chiropractor including writing up a letter of recommendation. He says this is just because of the positive, relaxed feeling he gets from me, also that he thinks my temperament is perfect for the profession. I have an endearing demeanor that wold put clients at ease. Interesting prospect. I mean, wow. Odd though how it just appeared today.
This is what I'm talking about. Also, been wanting a new bike to get around on. The idea is that I can ride it to school twice a week for exercise, and to work, since I will now be working less than two miles away at KavaSutra. I'm kind of excited about this change of pace. I'm way too laid back for Chili's. I could work a fine dining bar or catering, because I'm easy going and those jobs require a calm personality. I can handle that in the right environment. I don't like the extreme break-neck pace at Chili's anymore. People are just too damned impatient. I'm able to calm folks down pretty well, but I don't feel that I should have to. The kitchen is the cause of about 3 out of 4 problems I run into. The rest is a combo of miscommunication between me, the guest and the kitchen, or me being somewhere else in my mind all the time. I'm not at work in my head. I'm at home studying my books. It's hard for me to bring into focus all the things I need to get in order and working at a fast paced job like Chili's requires far more energy and attention than I have to spare, rather, that I'm willing and able to spare.
So got the Scion's windows tinted today (after four years of driving her around). I found a great deal on Groupon and got the best I could afford with the discount. She looks like a whole new girl. Okay, maybe she just has new shades, but the car is noticeably cooler in the sun than it was this morning. I consider it an investment in personal comfort. I also got the prep call for delivery on my new Tempurpedic bed, which should be here midday tomorrow. I'm chucking out the old one (they're actually removing it for me). I have to move the bedroom around again. It's time for that anyway. The seasons are changing, the sun is rising much earlier and lighting up the room. I'm going to face the bed away from the window so it's not in my eyes, detach the nightstands and put them together at the foot where I will place a television. I'm also going to move my desks in there for school work and such so I have a set up ready to go when I need to work. My living room needs to be more comfort and less work. trying to do anything in here is counter-productive. It's time for a radical change around here.
Given that I've been more and more tense and uncomfortable, I've been hunting for a new bike. Something more adult. Not a BMX bike. I'm not 16 anymore. I fall down go boom now, break bones. So, less tricks, more exercise and stress relief. Also, I'm simply out shape. I'd like to get my heart and lungs back up to par with non-smokers, so I can play and have more fun with my life. Also looking to give up drinking for fun, as well as all types of smoking in favor of vaporizing. I'm in love with my new Vape for nicotine. I don't care about the long term risks right now, it has to be better for you than breathing in burning smoke. It has to. The flavors I'm the most taken with so far have been "waffles," which tastes exactly like the name suggests, syrup-less waffles. It's glorious. The second is "Apple Pie a la Mode." It's an amazing approximation of the namesake.
And although I've been eating pretty much all preprepared food lately, I'm trying to give that up in favor of cooking at home. Yet another reason to leave Chili's. I'm too beat after work to motivate myself to cook. That's bad. Leaving this job is going to make very many bad habits, just, well, inconvenient. I cannot be happier about the prospect of less bad habits. I need to shake things up. I've gotten to comfortable in my ways.
It'd be nice to find a pretty young lady to spend my time with, but as I was telling my Army buddy Jason the other night. I simply have no patience for that stuff right now. I either have to find someone who's exceptionally well adjusted and motivated to live and be happy, or I have to wait until I can tolerate another project person. I see my disappointments in each person I try to get something going with and that's why they never work out. Until I can move past that I won't be ready for anything real. I disagree with Scott however that things have to be completely unanimous once you become a long term couple. I don't believe that you are not able to travel on your own once in a great while once you're in a relationship, especially in a situation where one of you doesn't know anyone and probably wouldn't enjoy the overall experience under the circumstances. I'd expect my SO to go on the trip and have a good time with a lifelong friend getting married if it wasn't easy for me to make the trip.
Then again, as Scott so kindly reminded me, I've never been in a long term relationship. The closest thing was with Megan in high school. That was, for the most part, healthy and stable, until she started "maturing" as she put it. In my words, that means liking other people and breaking up. Scott states that once I understand that woman are, in the hunter gatherer sense, always looking for the next threat, large or small, to themselves and their loved ones. Once I'm able to address that in everything I do in the relationship, I'll be able to have one. That sounds not only cynical, but ridiculous in a modern society. The idea that I think it's silly probably means that it's true. Most of the time I can comprehend people's collective idiosyncrasies, and I'm even willing to allow them to continue without my approach to some extent, but I'll say here and now that it is unlikely I'll ever understand women, what they really want, and why I'm so likable but un-date-able. I don't understand what women in general want because what the zeitgeist of society says women desire tends to differ radically from what actually seem to want based on consistent behaviors. I don't understand why women in relationships flirt with me... at all. I don't understand why that conversation even occurs unless you're thinking about pursuing other options. This happens all the time. I'm being hit on by women that are taken. WTF? Also, when I approach anyone I know to be single, they tend to get all weird on me, as if I should not be trying at all, like I'm wearing wedding ring or something. Consistent, constant disappointment in this area has basically created a state of being called "shikatta ga nai" by the Japanese. Translated it means, "There is nothing that can be done about it." I just don't care anymore. It's distinctly possible that I'm better off on my own. While I want nothing more that to be in a happy, healthy relationship that makes me feel good, it's just not happening. Older, younger, same age, white, black, latina, it just doesn't matter. I've never felt less attractive. And I'm probably the best looking I've been in my life. How fair is that? Ugh.
I need this new bed. And the new bike. Good sleep and blowing off steam will do me a lot of good.
I met up with a guy named Chris that I shared a class with me at PBSC. He offered me a job serving Kava one mile from my house for $10 an hour plus tips. He claims it's common to make $150 in a shift... but that's the 7pm to 3am shift. I mean, I'm usually up that late anyhow. He also said that it's the kind of place that you can do homework when it's slow, which it can be midday. I'm supposed to go meet the Co-manager today for a second interview. I'd have to give up Chili's pretty much completely. I have to consider it a bit more.
I also met a guy not long ago who asked about futurism. He works for Florida's Department of Children and Families (DCF). He offered me a tentative job that would require me to move to Jacksonville and take a job working for the state making $40K a year to start (that's w/o a BA) and paying for 1/2 my credits until I graduate. Sounds pretty sweet. He explained something about politics, being that you get in by who you know and who you've worked with, not where you graduate from. He said he needs someone like me that he can bounce new ideas off who will give him straight, honest answers, stating that he really likes how I think and the way I phrase my explanations, perfect for political dealings. He has to decide on which job he's going to pursue and keep me updated. Could be something to think about for the future, right?
Things are certainly beginning to happen for me out in the background. I can feel it.
Now I have to get back to my homework.
- Music:Janelle Monae - Electric Lady